Why Does He Do That?
My personal experience with answering that very question
TW: Abuse, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, sexual assault, eating disorders
Background
Since I left an abusive marriage, I have been attending therapy on a monthly basis. Previously, I struggled with therapy because I have a hard time focusing the conversation and not going off on tangents. I also sometimes struggled to have anything to talk about - which tends to happen when you suppress all of your emotions for a long time.
Then I met my current therapist, Rachael. She began recommending books for me to read between sessions. I immediately loved this - I love therapy homework. Each month I would work through a book, and come to session ready to talk about it and how it made me feel. I have read many books from Rachael’s suggestions, but one I picked up on my own was Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.
This book was the answer to so many of my questions. It answers not only the title question, but provides light in the darkness and uncertainty of abuse and the people who perpetrate it. The first question I had, as many victims do have, going into this book was “Am I an abuser?” Let’s explore that first.
Am I an Abuser?
If you ask a therapist or friend this, you will probably get an answer that goes something like this: “If you’re even asking that question, you’re probably not an abuser.” I’ve heard this before, but it never really sat right with me. Everyone has some humanity, so I imagine even abusers will sometimes ask themselves or others, “Am I an abuser?” So it stands to reason that simply asking the question is not proof of innocence.
Bancroft defines abusers and the abusive mentality in chapter 3 (titled: The Abusive Mentality). The key takeaway from this chapter, for me, was at the very end where he says:
“Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement, and the branches are control.”
Once I understood that abuse is rooted in ownership and entitlement, I understood what separates abusers from the boarder population. Now, the answer to the question “Am I an abuser?” is an absolute NO. I have never felt ownership over a partner or felt entitled to their time, energy, attention, body, money, etc. Although I had sometimes wished for more attention or effort, I never felt that I was owed it, this is the key difference.
The Types of Abusive Men
While Bancroft defines many archetypes of abusive men, I will focus on just the one I have encountered - Mr. Sensitive.
As a quick side note, I chuckled when I read the title “Mr. Sensitive” because it reminds me of that one girl defined video where Kristen and Bethany are telling girls which types of men they shouldn’t “court, date, or marry”. In this video, they name one type “Mr. Struggle”. Maybe that wasn’t as funny as I remember it being, maybe it was just the Cody Ko (cancelled) reaction video that made it funny.
Anyway, Mr. Sensitive, we know him, we think we love him. He’s a feminist icon, he’s the “only one standing up for women”, he’s the hero and certainly knows what’s best for you. As Bancroft puts it:
“He presents himself to women as an ally in the struggle against sex-role limitations. To some women, he seems like a dream come true.”
Mr. Sensitive knows and uses therapy speech to shield himself from any accountability. He might use his trauma and trauma responses as a weapon, but the moment his partner has a trauma response, that’s their problem to deal with, and they need to go to therapy.
A lesser therapized Mr. Sensitive may just project himself as a defender of women. Maybe he’s a champion of consent or surrounds himself with female friends that he’s “not trying to sleep with” in order to point to them and say he’s not like other guys.
Overall, he’s typically educated, well-spoken, and regarded highly by others that know him that aren’t, or haven’t been, direct victims of his abuse. This makes the whole thing even more confusing and stressful if you find yourself to be the victim of his terror.
The other types outlined in the book are:
The Demand Man
Mr. Right
The Water Torturer
The Drill Sergeant
The Player
Rambo
The Victim
The Terrorist
One of the key points at the end of this chapter was that an abuser may be similar to multiple or none of the above archetypes, and regardless of style, they all share the same core beliefs of ownership and entitlement.
Is He Going to Get Violent?
This section, of chapter 6 (The Abusive Man in Everyday Life), stuck out to me as well. I asked myself this question many times following an incident of some of my things be broken out of anger when we first moved in together. I wondered if I would become a target of his rage. Spoiler alert, physical abuse was coming for me in the years to come.
Bancroft answers this question concisely:
“RESEARCH INDICATES THAT A WOMAN’S INTUITIVE SENSE OF WHETHER OR NOT HER PARTNER WILL BE VIOLENT TOWARD HER IS A SUBSTANTIALLY MORE ACCURATE PREDICTOR OF FUTURE VIOLENCE THAN ANY OTHER WARNING SIGN.”
I was blown away by this. I had genuinely never considered the possibility that listening to myself could guide me to the right answer or down the right path. Growing up in Catholic schools, it’s very easy to internalize the idea that you as an individual don’t know what’s right, only god does. The inner voice is Satan, and it should never be trusted. This is the same voice that led to the fall of humanity - which of course is blamed on a woman.
So here I am, almost 10 years removed from any church, and I still can’t translate what I know intuitively to be true, into something I believe - so I shut down my intuition and I stay. Cue the slow backslide into 3 years of hell.
Sexual Assault Is Violence
The beginning of chapter 7 (Abusive Men and Sex) details the ways in which abusive men view sex and use it as a tool to further their abuse. It is well worth a read in its entirety, but I will focus on a small section.
Right at the end of the chapter, there is a two paragraph section titled “Sexual Assault is Violence.” Bancroft writes:
“But sexual assault is violence. An abuser who forces his partner to have any form of sexual relations against her will is physically battering her. There is a societal tendency not to recognize the violence present in sexual assault, which can make it more difficult for a woman to understand her own reactions and reach out for help.”
To me, this was easily the most powerful statement in the entire book. Having dealt primarily with sexual abuse, I was previously very uncomfortable saying that my marriage had been physically abusive (or even saying that it had been abusive at all). While I try to avoid relying on outside validation, I found this to be incredibly validating. I knew what was happening wasn’t okay, but to see it laid out so clearly felt like the breaking down of the wall of denial I had built to protect myself.
Last year, I wrote this poem about my experience with sexual abuse:
I used to be so tired I used to stay up late waiting for you to fall asleep first worried that your cold hands would slide under my clothes if I let my guard down I used to be so tired I never could stay asleep the slightest movement waking me instantly frozen in silence I used to be so tired from hours in silent tears thinking it only ends with my life "I don't remember" "you were dreaming" "I can't help it" the words were few but kept me going I used to be so tired
Legal Actions
While this book doesn’t give legal advice, the sections that address how difficult the legal system can be for victims, really spoke to me.
When I was in college, I was sexually assaulted by someone in the dorm I was living in. Thinking that I was doing the right thing and protecting other people, I decided to report it. The treatment that I received in the Pennsylvania court system ultimately caused me to develop an eating disorder that almost took my life a few years later. This is also why I have chosen to not report in this case. Bancroft speaks about the way the justice system seems to prioritize the feelings of the abuser, as well as the ways in which the system can be more traumatizing than the original abuse. I agree with this based on my experience.
Reporting, while noble, is not for the faint of heart. If I learned one thing, it’s not to try and go it alone. Abuse can be isolating, don’t let bringing it to light be just as lonely.
Conclusion
I could easily go on forever about all of the things I learned from this book. I wish I could have the entire text downloaded into my brain (for now I’ll settle for a PDF on my phone).
Abuse changed my life forever, but now that I’m on the other side of it, I have the opportunity to educate myself. This knowledge will help me to identify abuse, look for warning signs, and call it out when I see it. I am eternally grateful for my own strength and the strength and support of the people around me. There is so much power to be created in community.
There is power in education. There is power in my voice.
If you are in a bad situation, tell someone. I promise your mom won’t be mad, and your best friend won’t say “I told you so.” You do not have to tell the entire story immediately or ever. You are believed regardless.
National Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233